


Deep, Deep Water

by farquaad



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan and Phil World Tour 2018: Interactive Introverts, Depression, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 10:26:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16871233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farquaad/pseuds/farquaad
Summary: When Dan's depression rears its head, Phil is right there to help him through it.





	Deep, Deep Water

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Deep Water by American Authors

When Dan woke up, he just knew that it would be a bad day.

It felt like there was this heavy weight on his chest, crushing his ribs. He had a lump in his throat too big to swallow and a numbness in his mind that only came with days like this.

He rolled over to find Phil peacefully sleeping next to him in their shared hotel bed.

_Right,_ he thought.  _We’re on tour._

It’s not like he didn’t love touring, because he did. While Phil sometimes got homesick, Dan loved to see the world and be in a new environment. He loved going on stage and performing for his fans, he loved meeting the people who comment on his videos and attend his liveshows.

What he didn’t love, however, was his depression.

He was okay enough to be off his medication - which was good considering that they had been touring for months and the thought of having to get refills of his medication while in so many different countries was a nightmare - but he still had his down days.

Dan looked at the clock on the table next to the bed. It was only 6 o’clock in the morning. That really meant nothing to him, though, because traveling from country to country massively messed with his sleep schedule.

He wanted to go back to sleep but he couldn’t. His mind willed him to go back to sleep, to roll over and cuddle close to Phil’s warm, sleepy body but Dan’s body was wide awake. Dan wished he could fall back asleep so he wouldn’t have to deal with his brain and the thoughts that were drifting to and fro inside of it, but he knew that sleep wasn’t an option.

Every part of him just felt so  _heavy…_ except for his eyelids, it seemed.

He glanced back over at Phil and sighed. Phil’s chest was slowly rising and falling, his broad shoulders making him look so masculine and attractive even in such a vulnerable state.

Dan was so grateful for Phil and so glad to have him in his life. He had all of these great things… a beautiful and loving husband, financial security and a job he was passionate about, millions of people willing to come to his shows and see what he (and his smart, amazing, talented husband) had created.

And, yet, he still felt so sad. On days such as this one, Dan often alternated between sadness and numbness. No matter which one he was feeling, though, it all led to the same thing.

The overwhelming sadness made every small task feel like so much. It made every step he took feel so heavy. When the numbness took over, he was just apathetic. He didn’t care about anything, he didn’t want to do anything, he just wanted to curl himself up in the sheets and rot.

Phil stirred next to him, stretching out his long limbs and then finally slowly opening his eyes.

“Mornin,’“ Phil croaked.

“Hey,” Dan replied.

“What time is it?” Phil asked ass he searched for his glasses.

“Six,” Dan replied.

As soon as Phil had woken up, he knew it was one of  _those_ days as well. Dan’s responses were short and monotone and he sounded exhausted. The normal spark of passion and adoration in Dan’s big brown eyes were gone and instead he had a glossed-over, far away look in his eye.

Phil just smiled at his husband and began playing with his messy brown hair. These sort of days were hard for the both of them. It was hard on Dan for obvious reasons, but it took a toll on Phil, too.

It’s not that Dan or his mental illness was a burden to Phil. It wasn’t that at all. Phil would always be there for Dan and would do whatever it took to support him.

Phil just hated to see Dan suffer. He hated it every time Dan dismissed Phil’s offers for food because the depression was eating his insides and made him feel like he was going to throw up. He hated how Dan could just stare at the wall for  _hours_ and Phil could only imagine what kinds of thoughts were conjuring up in Dan’s head as he did so.

In short, Phil didn’t like to see the love of his life feel so miserable and he didn’t like to not be able to fix things.

Phil was good at fixing things. If someone in the chat of one of his liveshows was having a bad day, he would blurt out an animal fact and a funny story about something that happened to him. If one of his friends lost their job or was sick, Phil would pick up a thoughtful gift and some ice cream and make his way over to their house.

This was not something he could fix.

He could be there for Dan and try to make him smile, but mental illness was a much more complicated issue than things that could be fixed.

Dan could get better, sure. He was getting better. But Phil saw how hard he worked to do so, saw how many times he broke down in tears and just prayed to be  _normal._ Phil was there for the ups and the downs, the improvements and the setbacks. He knew that Dan could get better, but that animal facts and ice cream would not be the things that would make him better.

Phil turned towards Dan who was now on his back staring at the ceiling.

“I love you,” Phil murmured as he peppered kisses to the side of Dan’s face.

Dan had depression, and Phil would not be able to cure it with a snap of his fingers. But he would gladly take Dan’s hand in his and navigate him through the deep, deep water.

 

**Author's Note:**

> you can like/reblog this on my tumblr farquaadphilly :)


End file.
